July 10, 2020
Uploading old thoughts because fuck you and thank you.
Its been over a year.
I’ve been afraid to write.
I used to be so eloquent in describing my current state of mind.
Now I feel inept and useless. Its as if I am drifting further and further from my true self. The cliché being that I knew more about who I was as a spiritual being when I was 20 than I am now.
The moot point I have for feeling this sense of surrealism is that momentary feeling of escaping autopilot. That arising thought which insinuates ‘what are you actually doing’.
The longer I live the more I feel that this consistent realization of dysfunction awareness begins to quell.
At one point, I felt such a strong connection with my unconscious mind. It was as if suddenly this aged connection between my two halves had finally united.
Now I realize. Dipping your toes into spiritual ambiguity is both exhilarating and inconsequential.
It’s easy being naïve. What a fucking cliché.
Is that a requisite of self-awareness? To negate the spiritual experience because of the emotional compensation of convincing the mind that you cannot exit these boundaries.
That the line between psychosis and brilliance runs dangerously thin through any curious individual.
I feel as if im at the point where I lie comfortable in paradoxical innuendos.
I’ve fallen into a cog, a perfectly rounded cog, fit into the subsequent machine.
And that’s the irony. You live this idealistic fantasy as you mature from adolescence to adulthood. This fantasy of generating these new complexions. These new hooks that lie the foundation for advanced thought. But the melancholy unravels.
The idealism is raped by realism. I don’t use that word lightly. It is systematically assaulted.
It is a delusion, if you are forty years old and idealistic. The systematic indoctrination of education breeds levels of understanding that are subservient to a complimentary awareness system.
There are specific levels of understanding that are slowly released through ‘awareness groups’ to imply free thought.
These epiphanies that we go through in our adolescence. These realizations where we think, ‘Holy Shit’. That feeling you get when your imposed bias suddenly reaches the surface of truth and you orgasmically realize how wrong you were. You understand how your absurdly deep conviction can be shattered by a drop of substantiated truth.
Those cathartic realizations are wholeheartedly planned.
There is no such thing as free will.
If we are the universe experiencing itself, then we are also ourselves experiencing the universe.
There is a disgusting anomaly that has allowed me to write the aforementioned. If I can be so absurdly self aware and critical, what is the source? What is the meaning of these convictions and tribulations ?,
Whether this means anything is the whole point.
Nirvana (Our superficial understanding of it) exists in complete detachment and connection.
Ultimate awareness is when you look at yourself in the mirror, deeply looking directly at your eyes for an extended period of time…. and you become frightened.
In that fear lies your depth
And in that depth lies your soul
Kindly,
thefoolwithinyou
the fool within me 